This is (I believe) going to be a fairly strange post.
I feel like it’s pretty personal, and I’ll admit I’m a little embarrassed to write about it. I’ve got a little knot in my stomach just thinking about it.
But if I don’t push myself to write about something nerve-wracking, I’ll never really, truly learn to open up on here.
So here it goes. Stepping out of my writing comfort zone.
I don’t usually like to wear clothes that show off “the girls” (hence why I prefer winter to summer), but since it’s summer and ridiculously hot, I don’t really want to wear clothes that will make me sweat more. So tanktops and dresses it is.
Another thing I don’t do much is go out on weekends. (That will be explained further in an upcoming post.) So when I got asked if I’d go out with a couple of friends last Friday night, I was hesitant at first. They explained that we’d be going to an open-mic thing at a local theater, and one of them would be performing. As I was getting ready, I picked out a grey skirt and white t-shirt to wear. Then they texted me and said “wear a dress!” Fine.
I have a few cute dresses, but they’re all pretty casual. I finally decided on a teal colored cotton dress that I love. I straightened my hair, wore makeup for the first time in a really long time, and slipped on a pair of heels. My self-confidence is generally low, but that night I felt pretty great.
I met the girls at Ruby Tuesdays and they told me I looked fantastic. I went through the whole night happier than I’ve been in a while (my boyfriend was also in town somewhat unexpectedly, so I was stoked about that) and I had a great time.
Then pictures surfaced.
In the pictures, I’m sitting on the floor of my friend’s apartment. We were playing Apples to Apples, and I was dealing out cards, so I was somewhat bent over. My boobs are fairly prominent.
All I could think was, “shit, I can’t believe I looked like that. What the hell was I thinking, dressing up like that? No more low cut tops EVER.” A somewhat snide comment from a friend didn’t help either… but that’s no big deal.
(This would be a good time to mention that I did not have even a drop of alcohol that night, mostly because I was driving.)
Even now, I’m embarrassed to look at the picture. My boyfriend told me a few times that night that I looked gorgeous, but I look at that picture and all I can think is that I looked like I was trying to get noticed. The dress itself is modest — knee-length, slim in the waist, not tight — but I still feel like I looked cheap. That isn’t me. Wearing low cut or skimpy clothes is not my style.
I’m comfortable with my body. I’m okay with it. It’s not that I don’t like my boobs … But seeing myself hanging out like that really made me upset with myself.
I won’t get rid of the dress or any of my low cut tops; I’ll just wear a cami underneath next time.
I know I’m probably being irrational. Boobs are boobs. Mine exist and they’re somewhat large, and therefore difficult to hide, especially in the summer. But I’m all about modesty, and from now on I’m going to try and stay modest and comfortable. We’ll see how it goes.